Over the months of being pregnant with my daughter, I’ve gotten a lot of advice.
A lot.
Some of it was welcomed. Most was unsolicited. All was helpful in some way or another. Even if it’s helpful in discarding it completely. I’ve also gotten advice that irritates me, like, “Get ready. Your life will turn upside down!”
Though a statement, or a command, I can tell in its delivery that it’s meant to be advice. I guess the advice is… get ready to have your mind blown! But I really wouldn’t know. No one ever says how. They say it can’t be described.
Okay.
I am suspicious such people are rubbing in their new baby survival and are now enjoying their kids being sleepers and off at school for 7 hours a day. Maybe they survived it horribly. So they’re trying to elbow you in the proverbial ribs with a knowing nod.
While I appreciate getting my head wrapped around the face that my life will in fact change with a baby, such vague tidbits are pretty unhelpful.
There’s also such jewels as:
“You do NOT want a diaper genie. Just throw dirty diapers out immediately. You also don’t want to do cloth diapers. You NEED to breast feed. BUT IT WON’T BE EASY!! In fact, it’s going to hurt like hell. Oh, did I mention you will cease having an identity?
Listen. Sex is going to pretty much go away, so forget it. And you WILL NOT want to work. And forget ever traveling again! Even though you love it. And are a family travel writer. And you won’t want to go out and do anything EVER!! I mean, at least for like 10 years.”
{At the intersection of Advice & Butt-Out} - Photo by laughlin
Apparently parenthood ages you to the point you are nothing but an identity-less baby roadie.
I’ve also gotten some useful advice I hadn’t considered. Like, “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” I appreciate this. It’s direct, sensical, I can see the immediate impact and benefit involved. However, I’d like to think I would figure that out after almost falling flat on my face in exhaustion.
But the best advice I’ve gotten has been inspiring, thought provoking, and full of lifelong wisdom.
“You’ll be a parent to an adult a lot longer than you will be parent to a child. Don’t neglect one aspect for the other. Learn to respect your child early and evolve that into their adulthood.”
This sentiment came from a grandfather I know in Brooklyn who works at The School of Visual Arts. And I immediately sparked at this profound pearl of wisdom.
We’re parents to children for about 18 to 21 years (considering when you feel true adulthood kicks in) and God willing, you’ll be a parent to an adult for upward of 40 years or so. Regardless of what various life spans look like around the world, you’re a parent to an adult for a significant chunk of time.
But do we prepare for parenting an adult at the onset of parenthood?
Do we think past diapers and first steps through life? Or will we respect our kids’ choices as adults? Learn to embrace their true individuality? Their partner? Their own parenting styles? And is this phase more important or with as equal gravity and momentous importance as parenting children through terrible 2′s and into young adolescence?
So I’ve formulated my own advice based on this inspiration and hope to pass down. And that advice is to tell your children to make good choices.
That’s really it. Make. Good. Choices.
Yes. There may be times right or wrong really is in black and white and the sense of urgency not to misstep in a certain situation is dire. And yes, there will certainly be times she’ll need guidance on how to make good choices. And of course there are consequences to any choice, which I hope to instill in her as well.
But this is what I’m getting at: I don’t want to tell my daughter to make the right decision as a rule for life. Because that ignites the idea that there is even a right or wrong path in life to begin with. I know from struggle and experience that sometimes a decision is simply just that.
A decision.
Nothing more, and nothing less. What matters is what you do with that decision and how you own it and turn it into something spectacular and build the best life possible for yourself with that choice.
Making a decision and committing to it is often the most difficult journey through life. As a result, we desperately hope there is a right or wrong in making that decision. That it’s magic. And if we only knew, it would all just work out. We want to deflect the responsibility in owning it and distract ourselves in the idea that life is a black and white road map.
But making a good choice means real power.
That good choice may be taking a step backwards from what’s pulling you forward to reflect. Or it might be doing something spontaneous. Or calculated. Or as an act of selflessness. Or because your gut is screaming to do so, even though you don’t know why.
A good choice is bathed in instinct and self-awareness that knows when to beckon loudly and when to whisper in a barely audible echo over a mountaintop.
I want the world for her. And the way I see that happening is for her to have real trust in herself to make good choices. I might not always like them. Sometimes they might make my heart break. But I hope she sticks to what’s good for her life and learns from her decisions and the consequences involved. Because when she enters into adulthood one day, I won’t be able to tell her what’s right or what’s wrong for her life. Of what’s in black and white.
In the end, it will be her alone who chooses the path in front of her. And all I can do is encourage the faith in herself to make good choices… and the unconditional love to guide her through the journey.